Told Mom

I sent my mom a good bunch of the details with Chael in an email.  Stuff I’ve talked about here, basically points on the why I’m not taking him to NYC with me anymore and all that.

She actually called me as just a regular call after I sent it as she hadn’t read it yet (she’s not great about keeping up on the email being somewhat technologically impaired still.  She uses it, but I think I may be the only person who actually has emailed her… maybe my sister has, but I doubt it as they talk in person almost every day it seems).

We talked generic normal chatty stuff and then I told her I’d sent her the email and that I’ll be cutting all ties with Chael.  It was an awkward conversation but hey.

Before that, Chael had come home from work… he had in his hands a box for me from Amazon I’d ordered and a yellow rose he’d told me last week that he ordered from me as a gesture of friendship.  When I pointed out last week that he isn’t my friend, we’re not friends, he got teary and expressed that it was “more a hope” in a choked-up voice.

Because, you know, he hasn’t totally told me over and over how things like that are just empty manipulation gestures.  Or that roses hold a special significance from when we very first got together and he used to sneak me ones as surprises all the time and has brought me bouquets and singles over the years as acts of love and romance… which he’s stated over and over were just doing them as a fake role which he is now feeling “liberated” from pretending to.

Yeah, right, I’m so moved.

He said he brought me a flower.

I said “why?”.

He said that he told me last week that he had ordered it.

I just looked at him, irritated.

He said – as though absolving me from guilt! – that I didn’t need to accept it.

I responded that I wasn’t, rolled back onto my stomach to play on the computer, and waved my hand back at him as a sign he was to leave my room.  That he was dismissed from my presence, in my opinion and intentions.

But yeah, after talking to mom I tried a smoothie recipe I got online, managed to get it poured all over the counter and floor of the kitchen, remade it after cleaning up.

Found it was pretty disgusting.  Decided to make Crispy Tenders.  Burnt the hell out of them.  Went and hooked myself up with some junkfood, came home and read.  Now I’m here.

He keeps offering to get me things when he goes out and asking me if I need anything when he goes by my room sometimes.

No, no I don’t.  Not from you.

If I absolutely can’t reach something or some such, I’ll ask just like I would a stranger at the supermarket.  I’m not letting you do things for me that I let you do because I thought you were being a sweetheart and liked you doing them for me.

Uh-uhn.

So Jonesy and I are chillin’.

Had some great chatting with Delta House members today.

Also, been having a couple of nice talks here and there with some CollarMe guys.  And have told a few guys off on OKCupid.

I’m not at all going to jump into another real romantic thing anytime in the near future.  Sex, casualness, friendly-light-romance, but nothing serious.  I need time to just be me on my own for a while to adjust to life as not-married-to-Chael in my new home after I move.

Doesn’t mean I’m not open to purely service or friendly-PE/BDSM interactions, and I’m seeing what comes my way on those… but nothing more involved for a good bit.

Looking forward to Camp, as always.  Moving my regular bed to a new location.  I’ve been wanting an end spot in general and so I can workout more room for my stuff.  Usually I’m between a couple other beds.

So, totally gonna see the leather family… plus I’ll be living much closer to the bulk of us (I’m pretty much currently the most south and west of the really active members.  All but one of us lives in the NE) and will be able to visit folks more often (and have them visit me!).

I don’t plan to ever get married again.  This isn’t purely a currently-breaking-up thought… I’ve known and stated for a long while now that if anything ever happened to Chael and I, death or divorce, I really didn’t feel I’d ever want to marry again.  Love someone?  Share my life with them?  Yep.  Marry?  Nope.

I took one bath today in Lush stuff to start my day and try to use it as a relaxer, I think I may take another one.  Or maybe just a shower with stuff.

I’d been so looking forward to Zumba tomorrow night, then a 2hour Zumbathon Saturday, then a get-together at one of the fellow-Zumbaer’s house Sunday.  Totally forgot we’re driving up to Dallas tomorrow night to do the 800 needle project Saturday mid-day.  Original plan was to drive back Sunday morning, but I want to go to the party so I decided we’ll drive home Saturday night.

Chael’s agreed to go up with me to do the photos and so I can use his truck to bring up the massage table and lights and stuff.  It frustrates and makes me roll my eyes to accept his help in this, but it’s not a used-to-be-regular-all-the-time sweetness thing that repulses me and there’s no one else to do it.  So, there we go.

He just came in to tell me he’s cooking both artichokes and ask if I wanted one.  I was resistant, then said yes as I like artichokes, he went to do it and my stomach started twisting.  He used to make me artichokes as a sweetness of making me food and presenting me with the artichoke and melted butter and everything.  I went out and told him I’d a change of mind, no.

It may sound stupid, but service was a huge, huge, huge part of our relationship… I loved how he doted on me and I accepted it in a way that really touched me.  Even little things like that make my stomach hurt and make me upset.

Anyways.  Saturday Redeye_yo and I are attempting 800 needles.  While I don’t plan anything out ahead of time, I think I’m going to go with a different style and approach the other large ones have been in.

Wish us luck on him being able to take them all and it coming out pretty!

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