There is a lot of talk, constantly, in the scene about how submissives, slaves, and bottoms are in such danger of abuse. In how they can be lured in and tricked by dominants. How dominants hunt subs and slaves like prey so they must watch out for that type because they’re everywhere.
And then there are the endless round and round discussion of “no limits” slaves where they protest and protest that they have no limits, that their master can do anything… but when someone mentions something awful a master may ask for or do to them their answer is “well, I made sure to be with a master who would never do that”. They deny they have limits because it makes them sound/feel so Totally Extreme Dude…. when it’s just that they found a compatible partner they feel they can trust to treat them in a healthy manner and not violate their limits.
And I don’t see why that reality is placed as less by the need to sound edgy. It’s a wonderful thing to be able to say “I found someone I’m wonderful compatible with”, in and of itself.
Well, this post addresses both of the above from the things that happened with Chael and I.
I have long, long said to people, “You don’t know. Every person who has done something terrible, who did something horrible had people who didn’t think they were ever capable of it or *still do* think so and that they didn’t actually. Parents, lovers, kids, neighbors find out all the time that Aunt Susie has been molesting children or that Little Bobby has been killing cats for fun while out playing or out of the blue a mother of 3 decides to drown them one day when everything seemed fine the day before.”
And ironically it happened to me.
I was the dominant, I was the master, I was the owner… whatever you wanna call it. And I was chosen as prey, lured in, used and manipulated for 16 years by a man who to this day is doing it with everyone else. Mom and Dad, his kids, his friends… he’s doing the same thing to them still and did before me.
Being the submissive or slave doesn’t make someone incapable or even less capable, in my experience with Chael and others more overt, of being cruel, using, game-playing. And it’s put off so hard onto the dominants. You see it constantly… either the warnings I stated above or blame placed on the dominant partner that the “sub couldn’t be doing that unless the dom was allowing it, so it’s the dom’s fault”.
Many people really feel that those behaviors, those traits, and those things to protect yourself from can come from submissives and be aimed at dominants… and the sub or dom nature of each doesn’t make an automatic or inherent ability to read the situation immediately or to not get sucked into one.
On both sides of the slash we are just humans.
A very dear friend, after I told her a summary of the public things I’ve said (again, much has been kept private) about what Chael is and what he did, said to me “No, he couldn’t have, he’s too submissive”.
Chael isn’t submissive. That is part of the act. That itself is part of the roleplaying he does to use people.
So I’d love to see an end to “big bad dangerous dominants” and “poor, preyed upon, safe submissives”. Again, we’re all just humans.
And to the “I have no limits because he’d never ask me to do that” and “well, you won’t need limits if you take time to get to know your partner” matter… like I said, being compatible is not the same as not having limits and feeling you know someone. Even if it’s been for their whole life, it doesn’t mean that you can’t find out something horrible tomorrow you didn’t know or they could do something tomorrow that you never expected.
Chael’s parents have known him his whole life, obviously. They have no idea he doesn’t love them, has no interest in them, doesn’t care if something happens to them, etc. other than if it interferes with his day.
Chael’s children have no clue.
I was with that man for 16 years and didn’t know until this year when he made a slip and then everything came undone in his hiding that he fakes his personality. 16 years of a going hiking, holding hands, arguing, playing, frustrating each other, curling up on the couch together, talking about shared interests, holding each other when one or both of us cried.
I knew this man inside and out I thought, we’d been through so much together, we’d talked so much… and then I found out he was something horrible, someone who did horrible things and felt no guilt for them. Someone who was never sad those times he cried, someone who held my hand because he was pretending to be a loving husband, someone who so often went out of his way to help others.
Submissives aren’t the only ones who can be tricked, abused, manipulated, preyed upon. Dominants aren’t the only ones who trick, abuse, manipulate, and prey on others.
And you can never say “I am a no limits slave” when you mean “I trust my partner is who I think they are and would never do anything that would violate a limit of mine, because I know them too well to think they’d ever try or ask”.
Again, moms find out their daughters were sticking coathangers up their own daughters… when those grandchildren come out with it 27 years later. Husbands are found murdered by wives who the day before all seemed wonderful with. A sweet co-worker known for 6 years is found out to be a serial rapist. A boyfriend after 19 years together suddenly decides he wants his girlfriend to be gangbanged bareback by strangers and starts demanding it when they’ve both seemed happily monogamous up til then.
And then, there is the fact that “no limits” slaves actually *do exist* in drastically tiny amounts out there… people who *will* let a partner amputate something or intentionally kill them or continuously inflict emotional trauma because to them that is what being M/s or O/p is about: they honestly feel they shouldn’t have limits with their dominant partner and don’t.
If you’re not one of those people, you aren’t a “no limits” slave.
So again, please let’s put aside the nonsense that dominants don’t get preyed on, too. That subs don’t hunt and lie. Our orientations don’t change that we’re capable of these things or receiving them.
And you can never know someone well enough or long enough to know for sure that you know them. Reality is that you *don’t ever know*.
We can’t live our lives in fear of the next day with our partners, we have to trust and move forward where that seems appropriate; but we shouldn’t lie to ourselves to make us feel safe or elite or More True or such by denying reality.