Negativity

Chael has kept getting meaner and meaner.  I can’t stand it.

It just occurred to me that in my checked luggage I’ll have to include a new-and-temporary kitty litter pan and litter for when I get Jonesy and I to the new apartment for the night and until his proper one gets delivered by the movers.  Hm.

Well, it’s not like I won’t have plenty of room.  I figure I’ll stick in the big suitcase my electric kettle, sleeping bag, bunny and brown bear, a travel pillow, and some clothes.  That and a carry-on of my basic electronics, some travel food, and medicines.

The hardest/most awkward/becoming dreaded part is the last time I’m likely to see Chael in person when he drops me off at the airport.

What do you do when saying goodbye to someone in this situation?

I want to hug the person I thought he was, but I don’t want to even touch the person I found out he is.

In the first, hugging would be an act of closure.  In the second, a hug wouldn’t and won’t be right… it would just hurt me.  Simply saying goodbye and walking away will hurt me, but I think it’s healthier for me than letting him touch me and being the last moment with him be a moment of horrible reminder and pain over it.

Either way it’s going to be horrible.

I don’t even like him standing or walking too close to me now.  When he does I feel that old pull to have him wrap his arms around me and want to beat the shit out of him at the same time for knowing those hugs all these years weren’t real.

I asked him today how he could marry me when he felt like that.

His response was, “I don’t those answers”.

Friday to try to manipulate me in an argument he pretended he was upset about me leaving and upset about talking about Jonesy possibly dying (I was trying to talk to him about emergency measures for Jonesy and what kind of medical care he’d give Jonesy if he needed it as I need to know what he’d do or if I should will Jonesy to someone/somewhere else other than him if I were to die before Jonesy did).  I cannot understand that mindset and action.

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