30 Minutes, I Swear

Caught him using a phrase he expresses is about respect as being a new way of trying to shut me up when he wants a conversation to end that is uncomfortable for him.  It’s something I now know he’s been doing to me for years.  Something he does to lie to me about his actual thoughts on something and to manipulate me into thinking different things about him and us and the situation.

I called him out on it.  Instead, of course, of admitting he was doing it or telling me what he really thought or anything, you know, honest he started lying and lying and lying to me.

I mean, really obviously contradicting statements over and over, back to back.

For 20-30 minutes this went on as I tried to get him to admit ANYTHING honest.  Whether I liked the truth or not.  I’ve made it clear repeatedly and during this conversation that he would be better off telling me something I hated to hear than to keep obviously lying his ass off.

And it’s 100% true.  It would have been so much  better for both of us if he just had replied honestly at the start… or even just earlier in the interrogation.  I can handle hearing something that pisses me off but is true from him.  That won’t get him punished.  That we can work out amicably because I am not someone that needs a partner to agree with me all the time.  And all of that is something he should know about me by now and that I have straight-out told him as a reminder this past week and a half.

But he lies and lies because that’s what he does.  To me, to everyone.  Over everything, all the time.

How many lies I catch him in a day -to me or to others- just varies by how much time we spend talking.

Dammit, and I just realized that he *did* manage to get me off the original uncomfortable (but not ugly or anything) topic it started with.

urgghghghghghghghghg

So yeah, punishment.

I hate punishment.  I can’t see me putting up with it for much longer as I just find it unpleasant to deal with.  I feel bad for it.  Like I said, I’m sure there’s some karmic balancing for me in it.

Not that all will be peachy and he’ll be let off the hook, I mean I’ll just say “fuck it, nevermind, I’m not even bothering with this with you”.

Friday is payday and starting things with the lawyer, officially.  I gotta talk more with him about the details on Chael getting medically retired.  It may come back to contractual alimony.

Unless things unexpectedly take a turn for the ugly, things should be pretty smooth splitting up belongings and money and stuff.  We each have long had an understanding on our personal items and specific things in the house (for example, the couch is mine as I entirely paid for it.  The wine fridges are mine and while he likes us having them, he doesn’t want or need them after the divorce.  Our cars are our own.  The house he bought is entirely his.  Etc.).  I’m not going to separate out our joint Wells Fargo account until it’s closer to the divorce finishing as we’re living together and we need that arrangement to pay the rent and such smoothly.

I’m back to logging on MyFitnessPal each day.  Just started yesterday again.  And yeah, my body is back to losing weight after a long plateau.  Like I’ve said elsewhere and earlier, if this is where my body decides to stay I’m a-ok.  I’m really happy with the results of the bypass and all the working out and stuff.  I’m so much healthier now, I hurt so much less.  But it just never ceases to amaze me that people repeat and repeat and repeat the calories-in/calories-out thing and I spent about 12-13yrs at different levels of calorie deficits while working with doctors and trainers and gained 180 pounds during it… then can still work out for months, after a gastric bypass, at a deficit and sit at the same weight and measurements.

But whatever, plateau finally seems broken, my tummy is all healed (the weird thing that incision was doing has stopped again and it looks all happy and now does that healing-itchy thing, so I’m feeling pretty good about it), and it’s back to the gym!  Wheeeee!

I’m not re-starting Grit, though, until I’ve been doing regular classes for at least a month, though.  Grit is horrible and good for me, but it’s so intense I really can’t do it after taking a month off.  I need to build back up to that.

I’m wandering.

Delta House and general internet silliness has been keeping me distracted most of the time now.  I really am getting little done in the real-world this past week.  Oh boy have my daily priorities shifted… It’s mostly about finding things to make me giggle around here now.

Drinking some happy tea.

Oh, and Chael totally almost got punched in the face earlier today – not the whole thing mentioned above.  Earlier in the day I was on YouTube and there was a video that involved same-sex marriage… at the point of proposal I cried and had this intense urge.  I didn’t, cuz that’s not what I’m like, but the desire was there.  As is my usual way, I calmed down and moved on.

Jonesy is sleeping between my legs as I’m laying on my stomach typing this.  I love him so much.

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