Fetlife Random Trigger

Sigh.

So, when I’ve been on Fetlife the past week I’ve been avoiding reading or talking in threads that upset me (due to our problem and upcoming divorce).  Logical, right?  Sure.

Then yesterday there was a thread asking what your favorite meal was.

I laid here and thought about it, in front of my laptop, running through different stuff in memory and testing their tastes in my mouth to see what I liked best.  To include years of stuff Chael has made me.  I was doing fine thinking about the taste of foods.

This wasn’t finding me my favorite, so I started searching around in general in my brain.

And it came to me what my favorite meal is:  our Fall Anniversary set meal every year of (fake) duck with orange sauce, broccoli, and rice pilaf by candlelight.  I love the taste of duck in orange sauce, it’s something Chael introduced to me to start this anniversary celebration all those years ago… and I always loved so much that anniversary.  That we had one for the day we met and became friends, that that was Chael’s idea, that it was a bigger deal than our wedding anniversary because everything was based on that friendship that began and how after 16 years we are still best friends under it all.  How romantic the last one was, talking about general things and specifically having a serious but sweet discussion of things we like about us and things we’d like to do better on this coming year.

This came to mind and I fell apart.

Just typing this now is hard but I’m keeping it together.

Endless lying since before we married.  Since back when we were still beginning our friendship.  How it turns out he’s never been who I thought he was.

Had to take a break there and read online and chat with Delta as I did crack for a bit.  I’m back together now.

I haven’t talked personally with people really… I’ve made some posts some places that do talk about it, but I haven’t chatted one-on-one with anybody as I’ve not been ready to handle the actual emotions around anyone yet.  I don’t tend to function and deal with things like that…. or like to show that side of me in most cases.  I think I’ve reached where I’ll talk to some Delta members about it now, though.  Not everything, as said a few times before I think at least some things should always be kept behind Relationship Privacy boundaries… but at least about some of what I’m dealing with here and how I feel about it.  Rather than my report-the-facts method I’ve been doing everywhere (and is my main way of dealing with unhappy things in life… except with Chael… so yeah).

Okay, yeah, another break had to be taken.  Phwooo.  I think it’s gonna be “one of those days” as they put it.

As I’ve mentioned to folks last night, I’ve found out something excellent about NYC apartments that had been worrying me the past few months I’ve been doing move planning:  I’ve been concerned about the size of these apartments listed.  Then I was thinking about it when chatting with Delta and the size of my favorite barracks room came to mind and I tried to estimate its size… got a rough idea by comparing it to multiples of my public storage.  Realized that I seem to be miss-imagining the size of the listed apartments.

So I went into the livingroom and asked Chael if we had a proper carpenter’s style tape measure (I did not want to have to do this with the cloth one I use to measure me lol).  Sure enough, he busted one out for me, I handed him the end and told him to “hold it against that wall”.  Measured the livingroom one way, switched sidewards and measured it that way… huh!  Then I had us do the same with our kitchen and added them together.

250sq ft.  Our bathroom measures about 36sq ft if the floorplans for it online are right (I didn’t bother to actually measure it this time). So total that to 286sq ft.  That’s bigger and better equipped (a bonus of bathtub and full kitchen compared to only shower and making ramen in a coffee maker due to not being allowed even a hotplate) than my favorite barracks room.

300sq ft is fucking a luxurious amount of space just for me.  Then add that the apartments in NYC that I’ve looked at in the past few months of my price range have tended to start at 500?  That a little more than half again of the size space I can be comfy in!

Holy crap.  Like I said in chat, I’ll be living like a god in that much space!  That’s this apartment minus Chael’s bedroom!  And I really don’t use our livingroom for anything other than walking through when I enter the house!  I might sit on my couch to watch a tv show or movie once a week normally…

If I allow Chael to follow me to NYC after the divorce I’ll try to make sure to have a 1 bedroom so I have my space away from him that is mine, mine, mine.  If I don’t let him, I could get a sweet studio and be happy.

Options.

So all this “Oh man… tiiinnnyyy” actual should have been “goddam that’s big!” the whole time I’ve been looking.

In the middle of awful life does bring yays.

Meanwhile, I’m sure I’m wracking  up horrible, horrible karma for Chael’s punishments.  Because I’m not sure how they count, karmically… BDSM play of any type I don’t consider bad for universal balancing as even the mean stuff is consensual and everyone is – in some way, shape or form, somehow – enjoying the play or relationship structure.

I’m not so sure how these punishments add up or not.  Because they *are* consensual… we did have a – very short – discussion on them starting to occur where he agreed…  but I’ve got to be in some level of trouble for hitting someone in a way other than even-though-it-sucks-now-I-like-it-in-my-relationships or I-really-find-this-fun.

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