The stress is slowly killing me, inch at a time. It started with my standard stress response in my body: stomach clenching, throat muscles tight, and then back pain started.
It then moved to my right buttock. Then down into that thigh a little. Then into the calf.
At first I thought maybe I’d done something to my leg and didn’t realize it…
…Then this morning my left calf started hurting and it dawned on me.
I don’t know if I’m clenching muscles in my sleep or what, but each morning I wake up with more pain in a new part of my body.
As it is, I’m living off incorrectly-used medications. I normally am strongly against self-medication as I’m very aware and avoidant of potential addictions that can cause. But during the day to make my stomach hurt less and me to keep it together Chael is supplying me with his Klonopin. At night just before bed I take a small dose of my Lortab so that I can sleep through the night. Quick enough to bed so that I don’t get the drunk feeling narcotics give, as I hate that feeling.
The Lortab thing was found by accident. The pain in my back became so bad one night I didn’t think I’d be able to sleep at all with it so I finally took a dose of my Lortab to ease it. I went to bed and the next morning realized I’d slept through the night (which is kinda weird given that Lortab wears off in about 4-5hrs on me)… prior to this I had not slept through a single night since this started… I’d repeatedly wake up from stress and stomach pain related to it.
So yeah… not good, but it’s getting me through this mess right now. I already tried to schedule with a therapist at the VA for another thing before all this stress and was told it’d take a month or two, but they’d put my name on the list… so I have to just find some way to get by and this is working so far.
Chael and I keep talking. I keep crying.
It’s not that either of us is a terrible person. It’s not that we don’t love each other. There’s just a big something that we’re dealing with.
I’m not ready to talk details, still. I just don’t want anyone to think that he or I have done anything horrible to each other. It’s just very stressful for me right now.
I’m trying to keep on with normal stuff for the most part; am socializing with Delta, am working a bit, just became a moderator on iTaboo.com.
I’m eating again, so that’s good. For a couple days anything I swallowed a first bite of my body went “no” and I couldn’t even attempt to take another bite.
Chael bought me some strawberries yesterday and they’ve gone down really well. Very yummy.
Jonesy got snacky-snacks twice today.
CampCrucible.com has taken the money for our Camp registrations out of my account so now I don’t have to wonder when that will hit (I was keeping extra money in that account so that I’d be covered whenever the payments hit).