Didn’t sleep last night again. Don’t know what’s up with this random insomnia nonsense that’s been going on for the past couple months.
Had to drive to the Temple VA this morning for a gynocologist appointment for the vaginal pain I’m having… This was the third visit. The doctor said to me (and I’m not kidding here, these are as near quoted as possible), “I don’t know what to tell you, I can’t figure out what’s wrong with you” and “There’s nothing really I can do for you”.
What have they done to rule out potential problems? Two regular pelvic exams and STD swabs. That’s it. No hormone levels, no ultrasounds (internal or external), they never even ever asked about my sexual arousal level or lubrication ability and purchased-use is (lack of proper arousal and insufficient lubrication being leading reasons for vaginal pain during intercourse). – And when I volunteered the last bit thinking they might this time go over it? I was just waved off like it was something foolish or of no value being brought up.
So yeah, no tests of any kind beyond STD/PAP taking. No… Hey, you’ve been perimenopausal for years and your mom transitioned into full menopause very near your age and that may be it, let’s take some labs. No… what measures have you attempted on your own to help this. No… let’s do some scan/sounds and see if anything is out of place or if their are any cysts/growths going on.
Just “we gave you one standard pelvic and told you we didn’t see anything so come back in a while if it still hurts”, then “we gave you a second standard pelvic and told you we didn’t see anything so come back in a few months if it still hurts”, then “oh, it still hurts? there’s nothing we can do, we have no idea what’s wrong with you”.
On the upside of this horrible, horrible day he did refer me out of the VA to a vulvodynia specialist gyn and to mental health because apparently my vag could have stopped working right last year due to emotional trauma years ago. Which I’m not fully scoffing at, I know that does happen and as I told him I’m open to talking to someone about it because I’m open to anything that might help…. but in my gut and head I really don’t feel that’s the case.
Hopefully the new gyn will, in fact, be a specialist in vaginal pain and will, you know, pursue possible physical causes.
This just made me feel so angry and sad and just… upset. Knot in the gut upset where you feel this pressing need to cry deep inside you but you can’t because there’s nowhere safe to do it and you also don’t wan’t or like due to your nature/personality to cry when there’s not a specific serious issue going on. At this point I technically could be dying or have a forever-broken vagina but at the same time I could just as possibly be given a pill by the new doc or even wake up tomorrow and be fine.
Chael came home after a bit and I told him about it all. He sat on the edge of my bed with me and leaned the side of his head on my shoulder and told me he was sorry I’d had such a rough day. I expressed my upset with it all and how I have unexplained very severe pain and my doctors aren’t taking me seriously or actually helping… plus I feel concerned about his happiness due to the almost-a-year-now lack of vaginal sex when I know he misses it.
He was his usual sweet self and assured me that he’s happy with our sex life and not unhappy at me about it at all or frustrated. I responded that we’d talked before and he’d expressed some past frustrations. Chael’s words were that he hadn’t been feeling so lately as we’d be getting plenty freaky in other ways.
Which is true.
We then went on with our day.
He’s baking vegan chocolate chip cookies to take to work for a party thing tomorrow and Friday. I’m been productive today with videos, pictures, etc.
I’m so tired; I will definitely sleep tonight. Which is good as I have Grit – Plyometrics in the morning, dear god.
Last night was a hand rub, tonight may be my face and ears, I think.